Being An Alter With Bipolar

I’ve been tired lately, seriously tired, and fighting off depression. It’s funny how when you experience depression during the winter people automatically assume you have Seasonal Affective Disorder. The weather in no way affects my mood that I’ve discovered. My bipolar does fluctuate based on the season changes, such as spring and fall, but not on whether or not it’s snowy or rainy or cloudy or cold. Charlie was gone all morning and that added to my poor mood. I find it hard to get back to sleep when he has to get up for work at 3:50 a.m. I tend to just stay awake if I’m fronting. Today we were switching a lot and I got a bad headache so I went back to bed until 1:30 p.m. That sounds really lazy when I write it down but I also know I’m an overachiever, so probably sleeping all morning on a Saturday isn’t such a terrible thing.

I’m still recovering from having been gone for two weeks, and then gone again for about three days. The lapses in time make it hard to keep up with life. Time flies by and I don’t know what’s happened while I’m away, even though we keep a log and some of us are good about writing in it. Some of us are not though. Some of our persecutors hate us and have destroyed the log in the past. We’ve tried keeping several but we lose them. There’s really no good system for any kind of record keeping. Videos work a little but they can be erased too or watched by people who shouldn’t see them.

We have therapy coming up this week. I don’t know if I’ll be talking or not. I don’t usually talk. Liza says she wants to say something but we have only an hour and can only address the most pressing topic of the week. I don’t even know what that is right now. My moods probably don’t count. Sometimes I wish I had my own therapist just to address my bipolar. I seek out online support and that’s okay most of the time but people can really bring you down if you’re not careful. I haven’t found a good facebook bipolar support group yet. Plus it’s hard to talk about being bipolar without also mentioning that I’m an alter, and I’m not sure how a support group would handle that. People who have mental illness tend to be more understanding of other people with mental illness, but not always. DID is one of those “freaky” illnesses that some doctors don’t even acknowledge. It’s hard to talk about. Having mood swings is considered almost normal when compared with sharing a body with other people.

I Suppose I Could

I’m tired, you know? Seriously tired. I don’t know if it’s the weather or depression or genuine exhaustion from being up since early this morning, but I want to throw in the towel and storm off into the sunset. I guess I could. It would be a nice dramatic exit.

Finally Out Again

I’ve been stuck inside for the last–what, two weeks? Along with Belle and the littles. I emerged tonight to discover we’re in for two huge snowstorms in the next four days. I’m not impressed! I hate it when I’m stuck in that long though. Now I have to catch up on blogs, email, facebook. Everything. And try to explain to singlets where I went. Seems to be the story of my life sometimes. Anyway, here I am again, poking my head out of the sand just in time to get two feet of snow dropped on it. How is everybody?

Missing

I was cocon only briefly yesterday and didn’t have time to check out my blog much. I don’t know how much I’ll be around today, what with it being a jam packed schedule of catching up for everybody, since Charlie is working and we have uninterrupted computer time, which doesn’t happen during the week. I feel bad for not communicating with friends the last couple days, but I guess that’s the deal when you’re a multiple. Crap like that happens. You can’t always get done what you want to get done. Belle’s upset that she hasn’t been able to get to her blog, so I’ll make sure she has some time today even if I have to force it. She’s becoming my number one concern. I love her so madly. Not in a romantic sort of way of course, she’s just a kid, but like a mom loves a child, I think, although I’ve never had a child and Belle’s the closest I’ll ever come, what with being an alter and all. So I’ll see to it she gets her time today. And I’m going to check out all your new blog posts.

What About Charlie

Charlie (host’s husband) is depressed right now because he has no interests. Or perhaps he has no interests because he is depressed. It’s always hard to know. He’s been a busy man all his life (he’s 55) and done a lot of partying and raised four kids and at times worked three jobs at a time. Now all of a sudden (after two years of being married to our host), he is settled down in an apartment with a part time job, no kids to care for, and too little money to party. All he has to do on his four days off is care for us (which doesn’t require all that much of him since our system pretty much cares for its own), play his online chess game (which he can’t play more than 1 1/2 hrs a day or his brain becomes obsessed with it), and watch TV (how much of that can you honestly watch in one day?). He could help with the housecleaning but we haven’t gotten him to that point yet. He does very little around he house. He’s a good man and I like him, but it’s difficult having him around when he seems so pointless. I should be sympathetic, I know, I should, but I just want to yell at him, “Read a book or something!” Yet if he has no interests because he’s depressed, that would be an unkind thing to say at best. He is already on psych meds for mild depression and we all know he becomes suicidal without them (because he ran out at several times and nearly had to be hospitalized). So is he depressed again or does he just need to take up a hobby? I guess only time will tell.

Belle’s Blog

Belle’s own blog is just set up. There’s a lot of work to be done but she’s started posting. You can find it here: Belle Wants To Be Thin. It’s about anorexia and being a 12-year-old alter in a DID system, so if either of those things are hard for you to read about, just be warned. But I think you should follow her! (Shameless plug…) I love her bunches.

The Black Monster

I feel like I have the mental flu. I woke up with a massive brain hangover of dead thoughts. I thought having some fizzy water and taking my meds and eating breakfast would shake things up a bit, but it didn’t. The massive cloud of depression has settled over me and I can’t seem to move hardly at all. I take a few steps and collapse. I am irritated beyond words with the host’s husband, Charlie, even though he did the dishes and made breakfast. But he’s watching TV and I hate TV. Of course he has a right to watch it, this is his house, but I can’t stand it. Now he’s yelling at the phone because it rang twice in a row. Why doesn’t he just answer it or give it to me? I am so frustrated. I want to scream and pull my hair out and most of all I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep and not wake up. I wish I could do that. We had pancakes for breakfast and now I feel bloated and uncomfortable. I wish I had the energy to stretch a little and do some pilates, but you can forget that. Our hair needs to be washed, our clothes changed, our teeth brushed. I haven’t the strength for any of it. The black monster has returned.

Eviction Scare

So we had a scare with almost getting evicted from our apartment. We were behind on the rent for one month, we knew that, but apparently we were behind three dollars on a payment from two years ago and when the two behinds met each other they resulted in an eviction notice. It was a bit more complicated than that, but that’s the gist of it. My depression just spiraled right out of control. A lot of alters I don’t deal with much were at the front, everybody was churning around trying to get help. It was a grand old mess. Lindsey (she’s not in my system) was able to find help on tumblr and Amber (also not in my system) found help from her online Dom and Anna Beth/Anna sought comfort in Nicole, our daily living skills worker. I kind of slogged around between them all, holding my head and begging God keep us off the streets. We’ve been homeless before and it was not a pretty sight. We had to make some hard phone calls this morning and kept switching during one of the phone calls which made it nearly impossible to communicate with the person on the other end. Other alters got depressed, not just me. Then Belle melted down and I couldn’t really help her. Now we know we can make up the back rent and we’ll be ok and we’re calming down now but it’s going to take a bit to sort us out again.

Aerie, bless her little heart, stayed upbeat the whole time, feeding positive thoughts into my head.